Sh*t First Time Fathers Say/Think

You know that saying, "You don't know what you don't know"?  It was created because of first-time fathers and new parents. Stuff you never thought about, that you didn't think you had to think about consume your thoughts nowadays.

The amount of info that begins to clutter your mind once entering the parenting universe makes you feel like a mental hoarder.  It's real, and we're aware there's a lot of crap piling up.  We do our best to act like its really not that bad, but internally we're panicking about where to even start.

And a little voice in the back of our mind asks, "How did it get THIS bad?"  or  "You didn't know this was a problem?"

Moms-to-be, listen carefully - It's not that we're not listening to you, its just that we're trying to listen to you AND ourselves, at the same time.

Not sure if your guy is engaged in a mental tug-of- war with himself??  Here's an easy way to find out:  Start talking to him about the baby shower and/or redecorating the baby's room, then, out of nowhere, ask him what he thinks.....

If he straightens up, starts oddly touching his own face, avoiding eye-contact, and says, "Uh, whatever you want babe"....he's not all there.

We're excited....and confused.  Almost in equal amounts.

Some of the Sh*t First Time Fathers Say/Think would include, but are not limited to:

• What in the world is maple-syrup urine disorder?
• "So how long after the baby is born before we can, you know....?"
• Does the hospital have free wi-fi?
• I wish they sold diapers by the pound
• "What do you mean we have to point "it" down??"
• "So how much longer before we can, you know...?"
• Where can I get an infant sized tuxedo?
• Is it legal to pump in public?
• Is it still organic if its not certified?
• "So what exactly is cord blood, and why does it cost that much?"
• "Yea, of course I think a baby wipe warmer is a necessity"
• I think my son would win the Hunger Games
• I'll just sleep when he naps
• "Lactation class??  Yea, I'd love to go with you to that!"
• "Was that him kicking?  What about that?  Was that it?  There? How about now?"
• "Of course I'll make you pancakes, won-ton soup and ice cream for dinner!"
• "Are you sure it hasn't been six weeks yet??"

What are some impossible, funny, ridiculous things you thought or said as a debut daddy!!??

I'm Going To Be A Lame Dad....I Hope

I'm cool.  At least I think I'm cool.  My girlfriend thinks I'm cool.  I know my mom thinks I'm great.  I'm in my so called prime, and I'm only getting better.  But I've recently come to the realization that its only a matter of time before our son will think I'm a square (which I'm sure nobody says anymore).

If you're a parent, and you've survived raising teenagers, I need your advice.  How do you go from being Super Dad and Mom to old, out of fashion intruders??

I know I'm fighting the laws of the universe, but is there any chance that our son will think I'm as cool when he's sixteen, as he hopefully does when he's four??  And more importantly, do I even WANT to be a "cool dad"??

I remember being a teenager myself, and if you had "cool parents" it meant you had parents that let you do whatever the hell you wanted to do.  Many of these same kids became addicted to drugs, struggled to graduate even the simplest of classes, and are still struggling to find their place many years later.

One of my favorite sayings is, "Learn to give your kids roots and wings, instead of loot and things".  Roots to keep them grounded and humble, and wings that still lets them know they can be whatever and whoever they want.  In a world where kids are being taught to take, take, take in exchange for very little - I'd rather be firm and lame while having their respect, than spoil them, stunt their growth yet seem cool.  I just have to accept the fact that they'll hate us sometimes, but will still love us no matter what.

I'm never going to be that dad who smokes pot with his son (which happens more than you think).  Or rides around with him on my Harley.  I don't want to go to a concert with him, or play beer pong together.  I'll probably hate his music, his choice of clothing, his hair style.  And I'm sure the feeling will be mutual.

Sure, I'm not always going to seem like Superman to him.  But maybe when he's older he'll still appreciate the things that make me and mom cool.  Our uniqueness, independence, work ethic, style, love of food, travel and music.  If you think about it, how could he NOT think his dad is dope, and his mom is da bomb.......crap......I'm screwed.

Our Son, In 26 Years

I wish I could see the future.

For myself - Where am I? What am I doing? How happy am I? Am I successful, healthy, wiser?

For my girlfriend -  Are we married.....nevermind, yes, we're definitely married.  Are we happily married? Is she spending her time how she wants to spend it?  Is she proud of her husband? Are we going where we want to go, when we want to go, and how we want to go?

For our son - What's he like? What's he into?  Is he like his dad? His mom? A little of both? Where does he live? What does he do for a living?  Is he happy, motivated, positive?  Does he look up to his parents?

I'm not a visionary, but I do know how I can all but guarantee that our son is living life the "right" way.  In fact, there's only one way.  And that's to be an example our son would be proud to emulate.

Simple question - "If my son or daughter were living how I'm living, would I be ok with that?"  I said simple - not easy.  That could certainly be a painful question for some.  I know for me there are certain things I would want him to copy, and certain things I would hypocritically teach him not to do.

I don't know what the world will be like when our son is my age, but I do know what type of world I'd like to create for him.  That part is up to me and mom.  We're responsible for shaping the type of man he'll hopefully grow into.  Its our job to imagine who we want our son to become, and then get busy being that!

Who's Raising Who?

We're now officially passed the half-way point of the pregnancy.  And when I say "we" I mean "her".  I'm exactly as far along physically as I was 22 weeks ago.  Mentally?  Well, that's a different story.

Is it normal to gauge every decision on whether or not we would find it acceptable if our children were acting the same way?  When I find myself getting bent out of shape over something, I simply ask myself, "How would you feel if your son were reacting the same way to a similar circumstance?"  

Its become not just about being proud of myself, but being someone I not only want my son to be proud of, but someone he would be proud to emulate.  Isn't it strange how we grow up seeking our fathers approval, and then raise children that we hope are also proud of us?  Its a cycle that continues from generation to generation, from father to son, and so on and so on.

I've already started noticing the differences in my personality since finding out about impending fatherhood.  He's not here quite yet, but here's what I've learned so far:

1. Our son will fill up a diaper, whether I enjoy the smell of excrement in the morning or not.  He doesn't need to adjust, I need to.
2. They say 93% of communication is non-verbal.  Well that's not going to cut it considering 100% of their communication is non-verbal early on.  I've learned how to voice my opinion well, but acting out opinions in a game of baby charades is going to be a new experience.
3. Mom is always right.  Enough said.
4. My role is ever evolving.  There will be times when I need to play housekeeper, and times when I need to be the "boss", still second to Mom, but a boss nonetheless.  Being flexible is key.
5. Being stupid is also ok.  If I need to put face paint on, bark like a dog, or dress up like Santa, than thats the breaks.  Being stupid for our sons enjoyment?  Priceless.
6. Sleep is overrated.  I don't sleep much to begin with, which should help once baby makes landfall.  I'm being told I will have a new found respect for sleep once the baby is here.  We'll see.
7. Being a "Stay At Home CEO" is going to be a huge advantage, with some disadvantages, all at once.
8. Mom is always right.  Worth repeating.
9. There will probably be a day where baby, Mom and dog are all crying, upset, and hungry.  My mission, which I've already accepted, is to be the cooler head.  Its my job to put one to bed, sooth another, and feed the remaining......in no particular order.
10. Its possible to read everything about fatherhood, and know absolutely nothing, yet feel excited about it at the same time.  

I still remember the first time I felt the baby kicking......well, not exactly kicking.  I've been feeling flutters for weeks, and the butterflies are in a frenzy for sure.  Its almost like interviewing for a job that you've already been hired for, that you're not entirely sure if your suited or prepared for.  You're grateful for the job, couldn't imagine not having it, but know there will be moments when you question your ability.  But the best approach - jump in head first, mom in one hand, baby in the other.  If this isn't "On-The-Job Training" I don't know what is.

New Parents Scared Straight

We are to parenthood, what hurricane warnings are to Floridians.  The scare tactics companies (and close friends and relatives) use once learning we were having a baby boy are disrespectful, rude, imposing, negative.....and effective.

If there's not a YouTube video for "Crazy Sh*t New Parents Say", there should be...and there probably will be. With each week that passes by my partner in parenting gets a little bigger, slightly less mobile, and even more gorgeous than I thought possible.  She's amazing, and in spite of a full plate (sometimes literally) she's avoided binge eating on pickles, and hasn't had a serious case of morning sickness to date.  The one downside - as the due date nears, "our" fears grow alongside it.

I say "ours" en quote because I didn't even know we were suppose to worry about many of these things.  It's the classic case of "you don't know what you don't know" syndrome.  While I was skipping along ignorantly in bliss-land, she was consuming every baby book, magazine and newsletter available to her.  Most of which are filled with extremely helpful information that I'll learn the hard way, I'm sure.  I still think I prefer that method over the scared straight program aimed at unsuspecting new parents like myself.  Things I know for a fact that OUR parents and grandparents never had to consider.....and are likely laughing over at this very moment.

Here's my list of  "Ridiculous Sh*t New Parents Have To Worry About in 2012":

- Crib bumpers are now a serious health hazard, and even banned in certain states.

- Multiple air bags in car seats.....which should only be installed by a fire fighter, or someone certified to install baby car seats, who has at least 6 children of their own.

- Air quality in the baby's room.  And stressing the importance of an air purifier and humidifier in their room.  What's next?  The Toddler Sauna System by Whirlpool??

- Anything and everything that moves needs anti-lock breaks.  That means strollers, bassinets, swings, those bouncy seats, etc.  Until they reach the age of 5....at which point we just put the wheels directly into their shoes.

- Motion sensors under their mattress to detect lack of movement.....isn't the whole point of a mattress to get them to stop moving?

- Organic bed sheets, clothes, soap...and everything for that matter.  If its not organic they may morph into some type of mutant zombie baby.

- Baby wipe warmers, because parents prefer a diaper change to more closely resemble a spa experience for their little one.

- High chairs with or without the iPod dock??  As if getting kids to eat healthy wasn't hard enough - now we have to make sure their pureed carrots come with a touchscreen tv. (Not happening)

- Aroma baby bath salts.

I should probably mention that as much as I make fun of all the insanity that comes along with parenting warnings, I've bought into most of them.  I figure organic baby food may cost more, and may not make a huge difference, but if it helps even a minuscule amount - why wouldn't I?  I guess that's why we fall into most of these traps.  The majority of "New Age Parents" gladly pay the price associated with being paranoid parents.  The risk of doing nothing is too great.

Sure, my parents probably had no idea that warm wipes were more comfortable for me as a baby....but they probably didn't care either.  Not in a bad way, but in a "you'll be fine without all that jazz" kind of way.  I'm not sure if it's totally out of hand yet - but it's certainly heading in that direction.  I'm all about safety and using technology to improve the growth of our children.  But more than anything else I fear over technology, a lack of self reliance, and over coddling kids these days.

What are some of your legitimate fears, and some that you're sure are overboard?

Week 6 of 26: WOD in The AM = FML

Completing the Workout of the Day, or "WOD", is a challenge in itself.  Completing the WOD at the 6, 7 or 8 AM slots is cruel and unusual punishment.  I envy those of you who can jump out of bed, and into workout gear before the sun is shining.  And I'm one of those people who doesn't sleep much to begin with.  I'm totally functional with 3-5 hours of sleep.  But swapping out the part of my morning dedicated to coffee and reading for burpees, box jumps and kettle bell swings is just not natural.

With less than five months until our little man is born, my schedule is becoming more and more demanding.  My normal 2:00 and 4:00 work out sessions have been pushed aside for extra appointments and meetings with clients.  In my head I told myself, "No problem, people workout in the morning every day."  After all, I'm up by 6:00 anyway, so an 8:00am workout should be no sweat.  Boy was I wrong.

Working out before my body (or my mind) is prepared is like water-boarding while still under the blankets.  OK, maybe that's a little extreme or dramatic.  But for those of you who have made early morning exercises a part of your daily routine, congratulations.  I'm looking more forward to pre-dawn diaper changes than I am 7am WOD's.

Aside from adding an early morning workout to my schedule, I've also already gained 4 pounds.  Some say of "mass", I'm saying of muscle....Pure. Muscle.  Four pounds in 6 weeks is better than I was expecting, but I still have 16 pounds to go, and 20 more weeks to do it in.  Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew.  Or maybe I need to just continue biting off more than I can chew.  See what I did I there?

164 lbs (+4 lbs total)


Any sage advice for Crossfitting in the AM???  

Out Of The First Trimester, and Into The Fire

Having your first child hits each person differently and at different times.  For some, it might be the second you see a positive test result.  For others, maybe it's not until the baby is delivered.  For me, it was somewhere in between all of that.

Regardless of when the parenting chip kicks in, we all find ourselves going through a roller coaster of emotions, most of which (for men especially) are totally new and foreign.  I went from being a care-free, cock-eyed optimist to being an overly paranoid slightly schizophrenic father-to-be.  I never even paid much attention to children while out in public until I found out I was joining their club.  Now, with absolutely zero parenting experience, I find myself judging and critiquing others parenting abilities in ways that don't even make sense. ....

"Honestly, who straps their kid into the stroller like that!?"  

"Hmmm, hey babe, is it me or are they intentionally trying to make their kid look like Pauly-D??" 

"Oooo, look, look at this lady try and feed her kid goldfish!!  HAHA, you call that feeding???"

"Wow, chicken nuggets??!! You might as well start auditioning her for The Biggest Loser for Toddlers Season 7 now!"

Not sure if I'm the only one who felt that the first trimester would never pass, but now that we're half way through the second trimester, I can hardly keep up.  The list of honey-do's is steadily growing, almost in direct proportion to my lady's stomach.  As uneasy as the first 3 months made me feel, the next 6 are going to be amazingly hectic.  And though I'm sure every parent reading this is saying to themselves "You aint seen nothing yet!", I am already bracing for impact with one hand, and multi-tasking with the other.

High-Five Friday from the Little Man!

I should probably mention something about how all of this has nothing to do with my better half, who has been nothing but amazing over these past 19 weeks.  She's been calm 99% of the time, never gorging herself on pickles or unnecessarily hurling expletives or canned goods in my direction. She focuses on how to redecorate the little guys room, while still working out and an insane schedule, all at the same time.  I don't blame her for making sacrifices in order to continue doing the things that make her feel a sense of normalcy during all the chaos.  And if it means me taking cold showers now and again in order for her to sleep, than so be it.  Sex is SO overrated anyway.....SH*TF%CKBAST&RDMOTH#REFFDEARGODWHY??!!.....ahhhhhh, that's better.

How would we (men) be if we were in their shoes?  Hmmm, maybe this is a subject in itself, but what do you think would be the biggest difference??  What positive/negative traits would we develop upon finding out we were now plus one, and eating on their behalf??  

We still have a ways to go, and even though we're in the middle of an amazingly beautiful and terrifying fire, I'm learning that I have the ability to either fan the flames with my stupidity, or heroically rescue her from the blazing inferno known as planning for first time parenthood.