Sunday, March 4, 2012

New Parents Scared Straight

We are to parenthood, what hurricane warnings are to Floridians.  The scare tactics companies (and close friends and relatives) use once learning we were having a baby boy are disrespectful, rude, imposing, negative.....and effective.

If there's not a YouTube video for "Crazy Sh*t New Parents Say", there should be...and there probably will be. With each week that passes by my partner in parenting gets a little bigger, slightly less mobile, and even more gorgeous than I thought possible.  She's amazing, and in spite of a full plate (sometimes literally) she's avoided binge eating on pickles, and hasn't had a serious case of morning sickness to date.  The one downside - as the due date nears, "our" fears grow alongside it.

I say "ours" en quote because I didn't even know we were suppose to worry about many of these things.  It's the classic case of "you don't know what you don't know" syndrome.  While I was skipping along ignorantly in bliss-land, she was consuming every baby book, magazine and newsletter available to her.  Most of which are filled with extremely helpful information that I'll learn the hard way, I'm sure.  I still think I prefer that method over the scared straight program aimed at unsuspecting new parents like myself.  Things I know for a fact that OUR parents and grandparents never had to consider.....and are likely laughing over at this very moment.

Here's my list of  "Ridiculous Sh*t New Parents Have To Worry About in 2012":

- Crib bumpers are now a serious health hazard, and even banned in certain states.

- Multiple air bags in car seats.....which should only be installed by a fire fighter, or someone certified to install baby car seats, who has at least 6 children of their own.

- Air quality in the baby's room.  And stressing the importance of an air purifier and humidifier in their room.  What's next?  The Toddler Sauna System by Whirlpool??

- Anything and everything that moves needs anti-lock breaks.  That means strollers, bassinets, swings, those bouncy seats, etc.  Until they reach the age of which point we just put the wheels directly into their shoes.

- Motion sensors under their mattress to detect lack of movement.....isn't the whole point of a mattress to get them to stop moving?

- Organic bed sheets, clothes, soap...and everything for that matter.  If its not organic they may morph into some type of mutant zombie baby.

- Baby wipe warmers, because parents prefer a diaper change to more closely resemble a spa experience for their little one.

- High chairs with or without the iPod dock??  As if getting kids to eat healthy wasn't hard enough - now we have to make sure their pureed carrots come with a touchscreen tv. (Not happening)

- Aroma baby bath salts.

I should probably mention that as much as I make fun of all the insanity that comes along with parenting warnings, I've bought into most of them.  I figure organic baby food may cost more, and may not make a huge difference, but if it helps even a minuscule amount - why wouldn't I?  I guess that's why we fall into most of these traps.  The majority of "New Age Parents" gladly pay the price associated with being paranoid parents.  The risk of doing nothing is too great.

Sure, my parents probably had no idea that warm wipes were more comfortable for me as a baby....but they probably didn't care either.  Not in a bad way, but in a "you'll be fine without all that jazz" kind of way.  I'm not sure if it's totally out of hand yet - but it's certainly heading in that direction.  I'm all about safety and using technology to improve the growth of our children.  But more than anything else I fear over technology, a lack of self reliance, and over coddling kids these days.

What are some of your legitimate fears, and some that you're sure are overboard?


  1. hahaha!

    regarding the organic situation and everything we have access to today - i have to agree - why not use it if it will make our little ones life easier? just because someone had a baby in a field 100 years ago and that baby lived doesn't mean mine should be deprived of a daily spa-like experience!

  2. I have no doubt that your baby is going to be showered with all things fluffy, flowery, and frilly....Still I fear that someday kids are going to be walking around is cashmere hazmat suits with bows all over them....